Wednesday, August 23, 2006
i think im a damn bastard, i never feel so idiot b4, im so hurt when my maid scolded me for breaking my mum's heart and destroying this family.
here was what happened,
i was feeling depressed with my results, it was the lowest ever, my mom didnt scold me or express any displeasure, i wished she hadnt spoiled me, i wish she would scold me and hit me to make me feel better, i dunno, somehow, she showed me too much love and this makes me feel so guilty for not showing her the due respect.
i wanted to do well in my studies to make her happy, i tot thats what all parents want, for their child to excel in studies, so i worked madly, but she still looked upset, so i was fustrated at guessing what she wanted and turned to runescape for an outlet to my emotions. i got addicted, i couldnt stop. im not failing my results, but i wasnt studying and paying attention in class, i slacked till i almost failed.
so, when i came to my senses this week, i promised to stop RS after this week, i started paying attention in class. But when i went home, the 'he'(if u guys noe about my family, u should noe whi this he referred to), blocked RS and set up a password over it.i got so bliddy angry, i started flying a rage, asking my sis who totally detests com games, to type in the password, but its was blocked again, i dunno why! So i demanded to type it again. but she was really not free, and cant get downstairs, so i resorted to some..........violence meANs. which left marks on the house, but cut a scar on my heart when i reflected. my mom was so upset that she cried over the phone, thats when my maid scolded me.i just couldnt understand why my family couldnt understand me, dun they read my blog, i do drop hints and i purposely leave my blog url in the web history.
then i remembered the chinese lesson where age gaps can cause a lot of hurt. my family is the best exAmple; which child disowns their dad, i do. thats why i refused to put his particulars down on the forms, and if im forced to talk to him, i would stay out the whole day, i just couldnt face him, there's nothing more hurting than to noe and face him.
how many of u would understand me, none! i suppose. i wreaked this family, and the regret is keeping up with me, im beginning to understand why they all blocked the game site, cos my addiction is getting out of hand, and its developing this violence in me. oh goodness, who oh who can i talk to, i have lost my voice from eating chili and screaming in my corner, so much for growing in faith. im feeling so terrible, worse than the turmoil i felt when my back hurt. cos this is at the heart which hurts twice more.
dear lord, i have sinned terribly....
Hosanna in the Highest
2:26 AM
